Anna S E Lundberg, Author at Anna S. E. Lundberg

Why Disney brought us up on a lie – and I’m not talking about the princes!

7 April, 2017 By Anna S E Lundberg Leave a Comment

Those of you who know me will know that I have a long history of Disney princess fandom. I grew up on what for me were the classics: The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin… Then when I was a little bit older came The Lion King, Pocahontas, and Mulan.

The release of the new live action Beauty and the Beast meant that I was given the chance to relive the excitement of my childhood, as if I were watching the old film again for the very first time. The Sound of Music-esque scene where Emma Watson’s Belle runs swirling out into the field brought me right back to how I felt aged eight (sing it with me now!):

“I want much more than this provincial life!

I want adventure in the great wide somewhere
I want it more than I can tell
And for once it might be grand to have someone understand
I want so much more than they’ve got planned…”

I can’t tell you how many times I swirled around singing this song to myself (and to any poor, unfortunate souls who were close enough that they could hear me), earnestly relating to Belle’s feeling that there was more to life than my provincial existence of school and homework, and dreaming of adventure.

And, of course, it wasn’t just Belle. Another of my favourites is Ariel’s “Part of Your World” (although in The Little Mermaid our heroine has fallen in love with a prince based on looks alone and decides she’s happy to change species and give up her voice in order to win his affection – no matter), and what about “A Whole New World” where a handsome ‘diamond in the rough’ comes along and takes me on a magic carpet ride.

So, yes, I grew up wanting adventure in the great wide somewhere, feeling misunderstood, and knowing I was meant for something bigger – but that’s not the lie, there’s nothing wrong with fantasising about all the exciting things you’re going to do. The big deception instead comes from what happens next and, ultimately, the “happy ever after”.

Belle goes off and has her adventure, she frees the castle from its spell and falls in love with the Beast, who turns out to be a handsome prince, yay! Ariel and Eric together rid the world of Ursula the Sea Witch and then get married on a lovely cruise. Aladdin frees the Genie and marries the princess, despite not being a prince. Ta-da! And they all lived happily ever after.

But what happens after the film has ended? Is Belle going to be satisfied now marrying the prince and living out the rest of her days in a castle, which, by the way, is just a stone’s throw away from her provincial little village? Will Ariel and Eric really be happy together as man and wife, given that they barely know each other? Will Aladdin the street rat be comfortable in the big palace, and will he and Jasmine be content with ruling the kingdom without the freedom to travel the world?

The finality of a magical Disney film ending – or, maybe, most film endings – gives the illusion that you are destined to do this one thing, and once you find it you’ll settle down and live out your days in perfect contentment.

And THAT is where I think they have it all wrong, and where we’ve all been sadly misled.

Generations X and Y are said to be purpose-driven, entitled and impatient. We’ve been told by our parents that we are special and we can do anything, we’ve launched ourselves out into the world to find our purpose… and then? We search for our dream jobs, travel the world to find exciting experiences and, yes, we scour the universe for our prince charming, our ideal partner. But how do we know that we’ve found it? And what happens next? There’s no theme music that starts playing as we achieve our one true purpose, no credits rolling once we’ve reached our goal.

So we end up searching, searching, for our True Purpose, our One True Calling, and the Happy Ever After. And either we never find it, and we end our lives feeling unfulfilled… or we find something amazing and fulfilling, but we’re likely to question whether or not we actually have found it, and often we’ll continue looking in that desperate search for our ONE purpose. Because it can’t possibly be our Happy Ever After since the theme music isn’t playing…

fairies — We may well come across fairy godmothers (and -fathers) in our lives who help us along the way, but we are the ones who determine our fate, not them

I suppose it’s natural that these princesses are all destined for greatness – a whole film has been made about them, after all. That’s part of the deception, though, that we believe that we are special and destined for some magical calling that no one else can do. The lie is not that we’re special, because we definitely are; it’s just that we ALL have the potential to do something unique and impactful, we can all create magic – even without a fairy godmother – and that magic can take many different forms, there’s not just one true calling (or one prince charming).

The latest Disney princess Moana, the South Pacific girl who yearns for the ocean, is reminiscent of all her predecessors as she dreams of greater things. She’s also specifically chosen by the ocean to save her island and her people, and so she’s special and unique versus the rest of the village, with a clear purpose to pursue. Where this film differs, though – *possible spoiler alert* – is that it ends not with her settling down and living out the rest of her life without adventure, but with a closing scene that sees her and her people rediscovering their voyaging ancestry and heading out onto the ocean to new and on-going adventures.

And that’s how I think we need to approach our lives and our goals, whether we’re talking about that dream career or the dream partner or any other big objective that we aspire to: as one of many adventures, as a project after which there will be other projects, as just one step on the journey.

Because if you think you’ll be happy and content once you find It (or Him or Her), if you think the film credits will roll once you’ve completed your life purpose… then you can only ever be disappointed and, ultimately, unfulfilled.

How to be Single (from someone who’s done it successfully)

17 February, 2017 By Anna S E Lundberg Leave a Comment

I was doing some keyword research on Amazon the other day and on entering “how to” into the search field I was amused to see one of the most popular entries being “how to be single” (the others included “how to grow a baby” and “how to murder your life”…). Now in fact “how to be single” is the name of a book and a film so maybe people are searching for those specifically – but it doesn’t change the basic theme of the query: the need or desire to understand how to “do” singledom successfully.

This must stem from our deep-rooted expectations of how life is to be lived: we meet someone, we marry, and we have children, so that they can grow up and then go on to do the same. This is a basic prerequisite of the survival of the human race and as such a core expectation in our society. “How to be single”, then, must be about coming to terms with not following this expected path, either temporarily (until you find someone and slot back into the “right” order of things) or permanently (should the worst case scenario happen and you never meet Mr Right and instead die a tragic spinster). In my own experience and in that of many of the people I’ve coached, the question of a possible relationship or family is inevitably tied up in other life goals and it’s hard to speak about career plans without also considering these aspects.

Given my extensive past experience in this field, and compliments I’ve received as to how “well” I pull it off, I thought I’d share my thoughts; so, here you go, my five top tips on How to be Single!

1. Make a plan but stay flexible

Maybe the toughest thing about being single while knowing that you want to meet someone – especially when you’re a bit older (tick, tock!) – is how to manage this in terms of planning your life. If you know you want to build a home and family with a partner, you want to travel and have shared experiences with that partner; do you put that life on hold and hang around waiting for Mr or Miss Right? Or, if you make plans without that person, are you then giving up on your dream and ruling out the future possibility of meeting that someone?

You don’t want to be putting the rest of your dreams to one side while you wait for that partner but you still want to be open to the possibility of doing so. So I say: if you want to travel, do it! If you don’t want to go alone, go with a friend or find a group trip. If you want to move to a different city or country, go ahead!

The truth is that you’re more likely to meet the “right” person if you’re living the life you want to live. If you’re true to yourself, working towards your goals, and feeling happy and fulfilled, then first of all you’re going to be much more attractive to any potential partner and second you’re more likely to be putting yourself in the situations where the right kind of person – in the sense of someone who shares your values, who appreciates you for who you are – might be found.

2. Make time for you

You might expect a single person to be selfish and to some extent that is true, but also true is that the single one is likely to often put their own needs last and simply through being more available and more flexible they will find themselves in situations where other people are prioritised. This might involve being that unfortunate “third wheel” in the back of the car with another couple, or being the one who’s relegated to the single bed in the smallest room when you’re on holiday, or the one who’s always there for other people since, unlike everyone else, you don’t have someone waiting for you at home.

That’s not to say that you shouldn’t spend time with couples, or go on family holidays, or help other people out when you can! But it’s important that you still carve out your own physical and emotional space, and set boundaries for what you want to put up with. Make time for you to do your own thing, whatever that entails – grab a book, go for a walk, go on a little solo shopping trip. And make time to see your single friends, and go on dates – adult “me” time essentially, that doesn’t revolve around other people’s children or lifestyle choices.

3. Question your beliefs

In coaching, we often talk about “limiting beliefs”. These are basic notions that are largely sub-conscious and have been created through our own past experiences but also through those of our environment, for example, our parents, our friends, and society as a whole. Our behaviours are a reflection of our beliefs; and changing our beliefs will change our behaviours and, ultimately, can change our lives. Common limiting beliefs for single women might be:

All men are arseholes
I never meet nice guys
I’m never going to meet someone
There must be something wrong with me
I have to meet someone to be ‘whole’
I don’t need a man
etc.

In order to challenge these beliefs, you need to first ask yourself: is there any evidence that this statement is true? Even more importantly: does this belief serve me? Do I want to continue to believe this? And, if you want, you can choose to believe something else: turn the belief into something positive, and look for evidence instead that this new positive belief is true. Then act based on the new belief and, before you know it, this will be part of your fundamental belief system.

So, for example, if your belief is “All men are arseholes” then start by questioning whether that’s really true (presumably you do know some nice men, even if they’re not single or even attractive to you); then think about whether it serves you to continue believing this. To some extent, it might: having this particular belief will make you more aware of the risks and so will help to prevent you from getting hurt; however, if you actually do want to meet someone, then this belief clearly does not serve you as it means you will never meet a nice guy. Now decide that you want to believe something else, and transform it into something positive; e.g. “There are men who are arseholes but there are also men who are great guys”, turning your attention now to look for nice guys rather than arseholes. Makes sense, no

4. Acknowledge that you want to meet someone

Single women have often been portrayed as being needy and desperate and this is, of course, unattractive; but I also see a danger of going too far in the other direction. If you move away from the neediness of clinging onto any man who shows even a little bit of interest and declare that you don’t need a man at all, then it’s likely that this message will also put those dreamy men off, given that you’re basically saying that you don’t want to be with them.

Going back to those limiting beliefs, the one that says “I don’t need a (wo)man” can be an important one to look at. As much as those sexist comments about independent women being intimidating to men can be irritating (and, I suppose, there is an equivalent pressure on men to be strong and not to admit that they feel lonely and want to meet someone), you have to recognise that it’s not exactly an invitation to the poor prospective partner when you declare that you don’t need, or want, them.

There are times in your life when you don’t want to meet someone (maybe you feel you’re too young to settle and you’re having fun with your single friends), and other times when you probably shouldn’t (you’re going through difficulties or perhaps some major life changes and you need to focus on yourself first and foremost). There are other times, though, when you do feel ready and you really do want to meet someone. The trick is to find that delicate balance between living your own life and having fun on your own on the one hand, and being honest about the fact that it would be nice to meet a partner on the other.

5. …and be open to doing so

It can often seem like meeting someone is one of those things that’s almost completely out of your control – unlike other life goals like, say, quitting your job to pursue a passion or moving to a different country. It’s definitely harder to put together a romance action plan in Excel! That doesn’t mean, though, that there’s nothing you can do.

First of all, there’s the mindset and I really wouldn’t underestimate this. Challenging those negative beliefs and being open to the possibility of meeting someone is vital. Second, knowing what you’re looking for. Especially when you’re older, you have a much clearer idea of who you are and what you’re looking for in a partner – compared to when you were 18 and you didn’t care as long as he or she was hot – and as with anything in life, having clarity on your goal is crucial to ever having a chance of achieving it. And, finally, exploring what you might do to make it more likely that you’ll meet such a person – where to spend your time (online and offline), what kind of activities to do outside of work and which trips to go on, and so on. It’s not an exact science but there are things you can do – and it’s not limited to joining Tinder and going on lots of dates!

Observing some of my single friends, men and women, a lot of them are filling their calendars with work and travels to the point that any potential partner would really struggle to fit into that life. A friend was trying to meet up with a guy and he said his next free weekend was in May! So while it’s great that you’re keeping busy and having fun, it might be worth allowing for a bit of flexibility in that schedule to give another person the chance to spend some time with you.

So there you go! Some thoughts on how to be “successfully” and happily single – while staying open to the possibility of being happy with *someone* as well. I clearly have a lot more to say about it… but what about you? Any tips or reassurances you want to share? Comment below!

This is to some extent a counter-post to the 2015 Valentine’s Day edition: The 7 Deadly Sins of a 30-something Singleton.

Mini-road trip to Bath (via Castle Combe and Lacock)

10 February, 2017 By Anna S E Lundberg Leave a Comment

When my friend initially suggested a weekend away, my mind immediately went to warmer climes – could we go to Spain, Portugal… maybe the Canary Islands? Mostly through lack of decision-making capabilities and the postponing of any organisation at all, we eventually ended up with just one night away, and in England. We quickly booked an Airbnb (all hotels in the city were full on booking.com) and off we went with little idea of what to expect. After our little trip, though, I’ve come away with a newfound appreciation for mini-trips and above all for staying in the country!

I’ve always wanted to go to Bath. In fact, I did go there for a weekend many years ago to visit my sister, who was studying a semester there as part of her masters, but she had already done the touristy things so many times that the only thing I remember from that visit was going to buy some fudge! Most famous of course are the Roman baths, but Bath is also known for its link to Jane Austen – so the two of these things were definitely enough of a draw for me to come back and see the sights!

Before getting to Bath, though, we made a little stop along the way in Castle Combe. Voted the prettiest village in England, it wasn’t exactly at its best when we arrived in the rain but it was still well worth the stop and it really is very picturesque. This is also where scenes from War Horse were filmed, with Steven Spielberg bringing in 300 extras and 30 horses for the filming.

Baked goods in Caste Combe — What better indication of going back in time than this little bakery where sales are made on trust (you simply take what you want and leave the money)…

The Old Rectory Team Room — The Old Rectory Tea Room, one of the few places that was even open when we arrived for Friday lunch!

Castle Combe war memorial — The effects of the war must have been particularly felt in such a small village. The names on the war memorial read:
Ernest Young
Harry Melsom
Rowland Pullin
Arthur King
Eustace Watkins
Fred Purbrick
Richard Neate
Stanley James

I found the city of Bath itself to be a beautiful place, a World Heritage Site set against the hills of Somerset and with a dominant Georgian architecture seen throughout.

The Circus is a ring of townhouses (‘circus’, as I’ve learned, comes from the Latin for ring or oval), one of the great examples of Georgian architecture and a Grade 1 listed building. Fun fact courtesy of Wikipedia: it’s the same diameter as that of Stone Henge.

The Royal Crescent, a row of 30 terraced houses, is another Grade 1 listed building with an impressive Georgian stone facade.

It’s impossible not to think of Venice when you see this and, indeed, Pulteney Bridge was designed using early drawings for the famous Rialto Bridge.

Bath Abbey with its characteristic Gothic architectural design. My friend and I were so inspired by the architecture we saw that we’ve both just signed up to an online architecture course at Harvard!

The baths themselves were constructed by the Romans around 70AD, built on England’s only hot springs. There was a caldarium (hot bath), a tepidarium (warm bath) and a frigidarium (cold bath) alongside a Sacred Spring and Temple. Confusingly, for me, there is a mix of the Roman ruins within the museum and the later buildings and statues that exist above street level, which are rather from the 19^th century – though of course that’s just common sense, that the building could not have been in such good condition if it had been 2,000 years old!

The Roman Baths, Bath — The baths would have originally have had a roof on top, making the room echo like a modern swimming hall.

Julius Caesar at the baths — Julius Caesar looks on from above (though, of course, this statue dates from long after the Romans, from the 19th century)

The Sacred Spring, Bath — The steam rises from the Sacred Spring, dedicated to the goddess Minerva; this one was not for bathing.

On the way back from Bath, we made a second little stop in another quaint though slightly larger village (we counted four pubs!). Lacock (pronounced lay-cock rather than the more French “la coque” that I wanted to call it) has also been seen in Hollywood, appearing in Harry Potter (the Abbey provided classrooms for Hogwarts in the very first film, while the village itself provided Slughorn’s house in the Half-blood Prince) as well as in Downton Abbey and the BBC’s adaptation of Pride and Prejudice.

Lacock Abbey, founded in the early 13th century

The practical bit

Castle Combe

Find out more about this little village on the website. It’s about half an hour from Bath.
We had lunch at the Old Rectory Tearoom, where you can also choose to have afternoon tea or cake (okay, we had some cake too – each portion was two slices!!).

The city of Bath

The Roman baths are definitely a highlight. If you want the modern-day equivalent, visit the Thermae Bath Spa, Britain’s original natural thermal spa.
Bath Abbey is stunning from the outside and if you’re interested in visiting the interior as well there is a suggested £4 donation that they take on entry.

As far as Jane Austen goes, we ended up not doing anything at all. If you do end up in Bath, though, there are plenty of things to be done – especially in 2017, the 200^th anniversary of her death:

You can in fact stay in Jane’s family house from the early 1800s, in a self-catering apartment at 4 Sydney Place
There’s the Jane Austen Centre, a small museum that also offers walking tours around the city
You can visit the Assembly Rooms, where there would have been many evening balls where young ladies would hope to dance with eligible bachelors

Lacock

Lacock is part of the National Trust – read more on their website. The parking is just a short walk from the village. You can stay in one of the old houses (it was open for a free visit when we were there) or have coffee and cake in one of the tea rooms.

5 things that skiing teaches you about life

20 January, 2017 By Anna S E Lundberg 1 Comment

Another year, another week of downhill skiing in Verbier, Switzerland. This week has been the best so far – there was fresh snowfall at the start of the week, followed by a week of glorious sunshine, and on top we didn’t do any classes this time so we’ve been completely free to ski, rest and eat whenever we want! It’s just been a really lovely week of skiing. Whenever I’m out on the pistes, though, I’m always struck by the life lessons that skiing brings to mind! Here are 5 things that skiing teaches you…

1. You’re on your own

You may have supportive friends around you, or an experienced ski instructor, but ultimately, no one can help you make it down the mountain (unless you really get stuck and they have to come and get you with a scooter!). Knowing that you’re all alone is both terrifying and completely liberating. You can block out the sound of other people, forget what they are doing or not doing, and just focus on what it takes for you to do what you need to do.

2. The longer you hesitate, the harder it gets

I’ve had so many moments over the years of stopping at the top of a slope or, worse, halfway down and just getting more and more panicked about how I’m going to do it. The truth is, though, that it’s not going to get any easier from waiting, so it’s really just a question of taking a deep breath and going for it. And turn, and turn, and turn! No ‘shopping around’ for the best turning spot, no stopping completely – as the next turn will only be more difficult!

3. A lot of the fears are just in your head

There are some very real fears when you’re skiing – accidents do happen, even with experienced skiers, and they can happen when you least expect it. I’ve fallen twice this week while WALKING so it’s not even just the skiing that you need to watch out for. However, I’ve actually very rarely fallen and when I have (TOUCH WOOD) it’s not been particularly traumatic; I have always made it down the slope, however terrified I’ve been; and I’m only getting better, so really there’s less and less to worry about. In fact the fears only make me tense up and do all the things that interfere with my technique so, as is often the case, your fears are actually having the opposite effect to what you are hoping.

4. You should be facing the slope head on and leaning forwards

Your natural reaction is to want to lean back, away from the steep slope that’s laid out in front of you – but in fact this is counter-productive, giving you less control over your skis and making it more likely that you’ll fall. Leaning forwards, down the slope, will make sure that the skis press evenly into the snow along their full length so that you have better control. The other normal tendency for beginners is to swing the body round with each turn, rather than facing the slope head on so that you can see where you’re going and again so that your weight is correctly distributed.

5. It gets easier with practice

I used to be scared just of the overall environment when you’re skiing: dangling from the sky in a little cabin, making sure you get off the chair lift in time, being able to control your skis enough to be able to stop when you need to! Of course over the years all these things have become a natural part of the process and no longer terrify me. It’s the same with the skiing itself, the more turns you do, the more you challenge yourself to take on trickier slopes, the better you get. You can let your fear stop you, stick to the easier pistes or even avoid skiing altogether – or you can commit to getting better, to pushing yourself and to keep practising. As the ski school ads around Verbier proclaim: better skiers have more fun!

In fact, the previous points essentially come down to this: you have to commit to each action you take, each move you make. You don’t want to be hesitating, you don’t want to be leaning back and you don’t want to be fighting against the natural force of gravity! I find that if I just take some deep breaths, find a rhythm and stop over-thinking it, I get into a really nice flow and it’s much less work. And for all the dangers and fears, it’s so totally worth it for the views, the food and the exhilarating feeling of whooshing down the mountain.

Adventure is out there! (+ news about The Adventure Travel Show 2017)

6 January, 2017 By Anna S E Lundberg Leave a Comment

*Make sure you read to the end as there’s a special offer for those of you who are in the London area!*

There’s something about the idea of adventure. Going off into the unknown, having new experiences, sometimes facing a little bit of risk or danger and always coming away with memorable moments.

When I broke away from my comfortable life in Geneva in 2013, the very first step was an adventure, a sabbatical of three months of solo travel across South America. My slogan I posted everywhere as I headed off was ADVENTURE IS OUT THERE! If you’ve seen Pixar’s film Up (the first five minutes have me in tears every time), you’ll recognise this as the call of the young Carl and Ellie as they dreamed of becoming adventurers, and the inspiration for Carl in his old age to seek out Paradise Falls. Off I went in search of my own Paradise Falls, and I’ve been having new adventures ever since.

Adventure brings to mind explorers like Ranulph Fiennes getting frostbite as he crossed Antarctica on foot, or Sir Edmund Hillary conquering the summit of Mount Everest; not to mention older legendary figures like Christopher Columbus, Sir Francis Drake and Marco Polo. Today, we have TV personalities like Bear Grylls teaching wilderness survival skills; people like my friend Dave Cornthwaite who leads a community of people who want to Say Yes More to a life of adventure and fulfilment; and, hurrah, more and more women including Anna McNuff who was recently named one of ‘the 50 best travellers of our time’ alongside Pope Francis and the Dalai Lama.

Adventure no longer has to mean the heavily funded expeditions of the past and we’ve now seen the rise of the concept of micro-adventures, with Al Humphreys for example recommending simply taking a bivvy bag and going out onto a nearby hilltop for a little wild sleep, and companies like Secret Adventures cropping up to encourage people to go on a mini-adventure away from the office and the city. There are probably countless other more low-key adventurers who are just quietly getting on with their adventures out there in the world.

Adventure means time away from the daily grind, breathing in the fresh air, getting close to nature; it involves learning more about ourselves and the people we meet along the way; and it often allows for reflecting on what’s really important.

Of course if you’ve seen the Pixar film Up – and I don’t want to ruin it for you if you haven’t, so go and watch it right now – the ultimate message is that adventures are what make up your life, your good times and your bad, with the people you choose to spend it with. It’s not about the expensive flight ticket to a far-away land or even ticking off those bucket list experiences. Adventure is out there – but it’s up to you to know it when you find it.

If you’re up for an adventurous 2017, I’d recommend you visit the Adventure Travel Show in London. I’ve been attending this for a couple of years now and these days I know a lot of the people on stage, which makes it extra special. Read my posts after attending the last couple of years of the travel show:
Adventure is Out There: Insights from the Adventure Travel Show 2016
Adventure is Out There! Ranulph Fiennes and travel companies galore at the Adventure Travel Show 2015

The Adventure Travel Show
Uncover Your Journey of a Lifetime
21-22 January 2017, Olympia, London

The Adventure Travel Show, celebrating its 21st year, is a world of extraordinary discoveries all under one roof. It is the UK’s leading event for people who like to travel outside the mainstream – whether it be on small-group adventures, exclusive expeditions or epic journeys.

The Adventure Travel Show is packed with inspirational and essential travel advice, specialist seminars and the best adventure speaker line-up of 2017, including explorers, adventurers, tour leaders and guidebook writers who will help you uncover your perfect adventure. Plus, the biggest collection of specialist travel operators all under one roof will be on hand to offer guidance on everything, from walking and trekking to exploratory journeys, safaris, overland trips, life-changing volunteering projects and much, much more.

The Adventure Travel Show – it’s where your adventure begins…

I’m happy to be able to offer you tickets at £6 (that’s £4 off the full door price) with the voucher ONESTEPOUTSIDE when booking tickets online at www.adventureshow.com or when calling 0871 230 7159. (Calls cost 13p per minute plus network extras).

Look out in particular for the all-female panel, Women at the Edge, which includes Justine Gosling whom I met on one of my paddle adventures on the Thames; one of my favourites of the 2016 show, Sean Conway; and, of course, Yes Man Dave Cornthwaite.