Career choices, glass ceilings, and finding work with a purpose

11 November, 2016 By Anna S E Lundberg Leave a Comment

Last weekend I went to a local Tedx event and my favourite talk was about women in politics. The message was that although women are just as capable and qualified to go into politics as men are, we simply don’t put ourselves forward. When women do run, they are just as likely to win as men (though I question this statement following this week’s presidential election results – and my own sad attempts at getting elected in both primary and secondary school!). This is partly due to the lack of role models and gatekeepers to encourage women to run for those positions of power, and partly due to our own reluctance to ever put ourselves forward for a position where we’re not sure that we’re completely qualified.

Now, I studied PPE (Philosophy, Politics and Economics) at Magdalen College, Oxford, a degree that spawned everyone from David Cameron to Theresa May, Ed Miliband to Ed Balls, Nick Robinson to Evan Davis. Never once did I consider running for office or even really getting involved in politics at all, other than working in development and applying to jobs at the United Nations and various NGOs. My economics professor introduced me to Iain Duncan-Smith in the college bar one evening and while the young men in the group (who were not in fact studying politics) were vocal with their opinions and questions, I spent the evening sitting off to one side chatting to his wife.

In no way am I suggesting that my active involvement in UK politics would have had any kind of significant effect on important issues or on recent outcomes such as Brexit or Trump – I’m not that egotistical or arrogant, I promise; but I am one of many and it’s possible or even likely that if some of those many had chosen to go into politics and argued for the issues that matter to us then the landscape could begin to look a little different.

I find this particularly interesting in the broader context of my career coaching, and my strong belief (supported by research) that finding meaningful work is critical to our personal job and life satisfaction. In our corporate jobs especially we’re so far removed from the end users of our products that we are disconnected from any real purpose for our work. We spend our time on PowerPoint presentations and Excel sheets, staying late into the night rather than going home to our young families or going out with our friends. We surround ourselves with colleagues and people with similarly narrow priorities and perspectives on the world and think that this is the only path available.

When we’re young and naïve, we believe we can change the world – that soon gets knocked out of us as we settle down into sensible jobs that will allow us to earn a living. Something happens, though, as we get older and realise that our office work is quite meaningless, we’re not enjoying it, and we begin to think again that we’d like to change the world and leave some kind of legacy; to show that we’ve been alive on this planet, that we matter, and that we’ve had an impact in some way or other.

So when we see things going on around us that begin to disturb us, when we start to realise that we’re more opinionated than we perhaps thought and when we recognise that there are some principles that are worth believing in and standing up for, then maybe this is an opportunity to find that meaning – inside or outside of our work – and to get involved, in whatever form that involvement might take.

I have no idea, in fact, what that involvement looks like and it will probably be different for different people. Maybe you can join a particular political party, maybe you can go back to your old school and share your insights and encouragement with a new generation of future change makers, maybe you can write an article sharing your thoughts and concerns. What is clear to me is that moving to New Zealand or Canada, hiding away and putting our heads in the sand, or maybe worst of all lamenting developments at the dinner table or on Facebook while doing absolutely nothing about it, is definitely not the answer.

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

– Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning

And so perhaps we might at least consider, on a personal level as well as in the broader context of society: how have we arrived where we are today – and what can we now do about it?

I know I’ll be giving this a lot of thought in the coming weeks and months, and I hope you will do the same.

Guest Post: You are a Big Deal! The Importance of Owning Your Value

2 September, 2016 By Anna S E Lundberg 4 Comments

This is a guest post by Michael Riley, who found me recently and is now an active member of my Facebook group (and actually did an interview with me already on his site). I love the topic of this post and I can definitely relate to the self-deprecating tendencies that Michael refers to. My mum has told me often of a time when I was little and I decided to list everyone that I like. “I like mummy, I like daddy, I like my sister, I like (etc) … and I like myself!” How many adults would say the same thing? That confidence and honesty was squeezed out of me growing up in England where it was definitely not okay to say that you liked yourself, or that you were good at something.

Who benefits when you hold back on who you are and what your special gifts are?

I believe that you can reach your fullest potential, and make your biggest contribution to the world, when you find work that matches your values, your interests and your individual strengths – and to do that you need to recognise, and own, your worth!

You are a Big Deal! The Importance of Owning Your Value

“Be Proud Of Who You Are And Not Ashamed Of How Others See You” – Anonymous

“Oh, it was nothing…” Do you find yourself saying this when you’ve done something for someone, or achieved something, or accomplished something, or did something you wanted to do?

How about, “Oh, it was no big deal…all I did was [fill in blank]”?

Up until just recently I had been saying this my whole life. When I graduated from university, for example, I felt like I had accomplished and achieved something massive, but I discounted that feeling when asked how I felt about it: “Oh, yeah, it feels really good… but hey, anyone could do it, so it’s not that big of a deal…” I still do it from time to time, but it’s becoming less and less because I’m working my guts off to recognise and reward myself for everything I do, achieve, or accomplish, no matter how big or small.

F*ck that noise!

The reason I believe we discount ourselves is because we have been conditioned by our parents, teachers, religious beliefs, culture and society to think that we’d be bragging or showing off if we shared how awesome we really felt, or spoke about how good we are, and that would be wrong; we should be humble and modest.

Yes and no.

While I believe it is a good trait to stay grounded, being humble and modest about who we are and what we have to offer is not – we must share who we are and own it, because we matter; we are a big deal.

And you can do this without coming across as a jerk. How? By being sincere and genuine. For example, when I’m asked what do I do? I reply: “Thanks for asking! I’m in a really exciting phase at the moment…” Pause and wait for the other person to ask a question, usually it will be “Oh, yeah, what’s that?” This will get the other person engaged and interested in you. “Well, I’ve recently changed career. Having spent 15 years helping businesses grow and increase revenue as an Account Manager I decided I wanted to coach and mentor young people, so I’ve taken time off work and I’m now studying fulltime. I’ve also just started a blog that helps people become their best version.” The conversation will flow and you’ve made a connection, maybe even a meaningful friendship. It really is that easy! You just need to believe in it… and in yourself.

“Believe it and you will see it.” – Wayne Dyer

I am a big deal. You are a big deal. Everything you did today, no matter how big or small, is a big deal. “Oh, but all I did was take the kids to school, clean the house, grocery shopping, pick the kids up from school, exercise, cook dinner, help the kids with their homework, have quality time with my husband… it’s nothing to write home about. It’s what I do most days.” Wow, that is a lot to write home about! You are giving so much to your family and that is a big deal!

I’ve heard and seen many people in business close huge deals or climb the corporate ladder and still discount themselves in some way. They would celebrate with colleagues, mates or loved ones and look and feel awesome on the outside but they were saying things like “It’s not that big of a deal,” or “Don’t be silly… it was nothing… John’s done better…” When I asked them why they didn’t give themselves ‘a plug’ they said they didn’t want to come across as bragging or a ‘tosser’.

If you are doing this, make a conscious effort to stop doing it today. You are a big deal – so own it! Remember: “Those that mind, don’t matter… those that matter, don’t mind.” Here’s what I do to know on a deep level that I’m a big deal – I encourage you to do it as well because it works:

Exercises

1. Write a list about how awesome you are. Mine’s called “I am awesome because today I…” Remember to be specific and include the little things that you used to think we’re not important or not a big deal. Next to each write, “That is a big deal. I am a big deal.”

Here’s an example of my list:

I am awesome because today I wrote down what I want to achieve/accomplish – that is a big deal. I am a big deal.
I am awesome because today I stuck to my allocated time for each action – that is a big deal. I am a big deal.
I am awesome because today I successfully completed an assignment – that is a big deal. I am a big deal.

I am awesome. I am a big deal. I matter!

2. (a). Practice saying what it is you actually do when next asked, “What do you do?” and say it like the example I gave earlier. It’ll feel uncomfortable at first but the more you do it the easier it’ll get.

2. (b) When you catch your inner critic telling you you’re worthless or useless or unworthy, write it down and reword everything. If you hear him say, for example, “I’ll never have her. She’s out of my league,” change it to “I’m good enough for her. Is she good enough for me? Let’s find out.” Or if he says, “I can’t do that, I’m not good at speaking in front of people,” rewrite it to “You know what, I can do that. I’m a fantastic speaker and I know they’ll love what I have to say.”

The hidden costs of not owning your value are many. The ones that can really cripple your life include:

You become a people pleaser – “I can’t tell them how awesome I am. They will think less of me or think I’m too good for them. I’ll just be humble and modest and hope they like me.”
You become fearful, hesitant and miss out on opportunities to have what you want – “I can’t talk to her in a café. She’s going to think I’m weird and she’ll get annoyed at me for bothering her. Besides everyone will hear me and laugh at me when she rejects me.”
You settle in life – because you don’t believe how much of a big deal you really are, you just take what you can get. You settle in your relationships, friendships, career… in life.

The benefits of owning your value, of course, are the exact opposite:

You attract successful, nurturing, supportive people into your life.
You go after what you want without fear or hesitation and grow from the outcome regardless if you get a yes or no.
You become the selector, not the selected, and live the life you deserve.

“Feel the fear… and do it anyway.” – Susan Jeffers

Use the information here as a starting point. There are many good books about owning your value and worth and I encourage to invest in yourself and read them. One book in particular I read over and over and highly recommend is Feel The Fear… And Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers.

How To Be Authentic: 10 steps to being “yourself”

2 October, 2015 By Anna S E Lundberg 2 Comments

Having been asked to do a little talk as part of a series of workshops and discussions in a group of like-minded explorers, I thought I would start with the story of the little girl who skipped (at play school, I was told to “go back and walk properly”) and use this anecdote from my own childhood to illustrate how our inner spirit can so easily be quashed by the serious adult reality of the world around us. I wanted to talk about how important it is to get back in touch with who we really are and to be “authentic” to that self.

The truth is, though, that we’re often given the advice to just be “ourselves”, to be true to who we are… but what does that really mean? How can we get in touch with our deepest desires and feelings when we’re so used to bottling them up and disregarding them to fit in with other people’s expectations? Do we even know who we are anymore?

I started to list possible ways in which we might peel back the layers and get closer to that “self” that I’m sure is still in there, somewhere; in my case to the little girl who skipped. These are the ten steps that I identified that I think will help you to get closer to being “yourself” – whatever that means…

1. What if no one was watching?

I think the first step to understanding what it means to be authentic is to ask yourself: what if no one was watching? So much of what we do is because of what we’ve learned that society expects of us, what we think we should do, what we believe will make us liked and won’t expose us to criticism. What if we didn’t need to care about what other people thought? What if we could do anything we wanted? What then? It might help to think back to your younger self: what would he or she have done? Young children have not yet been socialised, they do what they want to do, their emotions and actions are completely raw and pure. So get in touch with your inner child, and dance like no one is watching!

2. Get outside your comfort zone

It’s easy to allow yourself to get comfortable, to stick with the things that you’re good at, to stay within the limits of the role that you’ve been assigned. You do the things you’ve always done the way you’ve always done them. As you do so, your comfort zone actually shrinks around you and the scope for movement becomes ever more restrictive. It’s only by pushing the boundaries, by trying new things, meeting different people, testing your abilities, that you find where your true strengths and passions lie. Keep challenging yourself, in big ways and in small, explore the world of possibilities around you, and you’ll find that your comfort zone expands as you discover who you are and what you’re capable of.

3. Question everything

All those years of growing up in a particular family and society have conditioned you to think in certain ways. In fact, you’re not really thinking, you’re acting on autopilot based on certain rules that you’ve created for yourself. In order to get closer to your authentic self, it’s important to start breaking those patterns and actively questioning your behaviour. What are the underlying beliefs on which you’re basing your actions, is there really evidence for those beliefs, and do these beliefs serve who you are and what you want in life? By questioning those automatic reactions you’ll come to understand if they are really consistent with what you want and you’ll then be able to consciously choose to respond in a way that is consistent.

4. No judging

Being authentic is about being honest and real about what you believe without holding back because of some idea of what is “right” and “wrong”. Next time those negative thoughts creep in, stop yourself from thinking of what you “should” do and instead allow yourself to dream. Think of it as a brainstorming session: a judgement-free zone with no criticism allowed, only a free flow of ideas. There is a place for constructive criticism and evaluating what is possible but most of the time we jump to that stage far too quickly. There is plenty of cynicism and comparison and judging going on in the world; try instead to let go of all that negativity, to strip away the layers of expectations and assumptions and conventions and get to the heart of what you really think.

5. Don’t second-guess other people

Just as you shouldn’t judge yourself, you shouldn’t judge others or expect them to judge you. It’s easy to think you know what other people want and change your behaviour accordingly; you might hold back from expressing what you think, or pretend you like something you really don’t, all with the intention of appeasing the other person. The fact is that you’re probably wrong about them and you’re actually likely to end up with both of you being dissatisfied. Instead, why not give other people the benefit of the doubt? Assume that they’re nice people, that they will respect you for being yourself, and that they won’t judge you! By judging them you’re actually doing exactly what you don’t want them to do to you – ironic, don’t you think?

6. Define what’s important to you

An authentic life is a life that’s aligned to your innermost values – so naturally you need to clarify what those values are. What are the guiding principles by which you want to live your life? What’s really important to you? Honesty? Respect? Learning and development? Prestige? Money? Family? Identifying these primary values will help you to sense check multiple options when you’re faced with a difficult decision as to how to act in a given situation, a choice of different paths you can take. Which of the choices resonates with your personal values? Which one fits with your priorities that you’ve identified? You need to get clear on what you want before you can go out and get it!

7. Be present in the moment

Being authentic, I think, requires being in the moment; not in the past, and not in the future. When you’re dwelling on the past, you’re often justifying your current situation, clinging to an old role, blaming other people or particular circumstances, and not being true to who you are right here, right now. On the other hand, if you’re spending all your time planning and hypothesising about the future then you’re making assumptions about what may or may not happen and, again, you’re not being true to who you are today. Of course, that’s not to say that you should forget all about where you’ve come from or what you want to achieve in the future; but focusing on the present moment and, yes, being “mindful” will help you to really listen to what you actually want and need.

8. Follow your intuition

Those of you who’ve grown up in Western society will have been trained in the school of rational thought, of logical and analytical reasoning, and intellectual and academic prowess. This means using your head to make decisions: looking at the pros and cons, thinking of sensible things like financial security and pensions, and being altogether “realistic”. It can feel very uncomfortable to heed such wishy-washy, fanciful advice as to “follow your intuition” or “listen to your heart”. The truth is, though, that your heart – or maybe it’s your gut – knows what you’re secretly wishing for beyond any intellectual considerations and warnings. It takes practice, but over time you’ll find that there is a voice there and if you listen you’ll hear that it’s surprisingly clear about what it really wants.

9. Rewrite your story

I’ve already said how being authentic means not living in the past and justifying your actions or your current situation with whatever happened to you before; now it’s time to take control of your life and to (re-)write your personal life story. Think of your life as a film: what kind of film do you want to be – a drama, a horror story, an action-packed adventure? Are you the comedy sidekick or a leading lady? A tragic divorcee or an indomitable romantic? Once you realise that you have the power to create whatever reality you want, your eyes will be open to the possibilities that exist along with your opportunity to grasp those possibilities. Rewrite your story as you want to live it, and as you want it to be remembered.

10. Embrace the imperfections

The pressure is on to have the perfect job and the perfect partner, the perfect body, the perfect life. But the truth is: no one is perfect. More to the point, who wants to be perfect anyway?! Perfection is boring! It’s the imperfections that make life interesting, it’s the cracks that let the light in. Start embracing your imperfections and you’ll start to live life as it’s meant to be lived. You’ll be more open to taking risks and making mistakes as you recognise that these are not signs that you’re a failure but signs that you’re human and, moreover, learning opportunities to get even better in the future. Being authentic is to recognise that you are imperfect – and that’s okay! More than okay… it’s perfect.

Clinging To The Past: Holding on to STUFF that’s weighing us down

22 September, 2015 By Anna S E Lundberg Leave a Comment

In the recent fire on a British Airways plane taking off from Vegas, the biggest news turned out not to be the incident itself but the scandalous and in fact illegal acts of all the passengers who stopped to get their bags down from the overhead lockers rather than evacuating the plane immediately. Given the billowing smoke and the direct risk to their lives, you have to wonder why they prioritised getting their hand luggage off over getting out and guaranteeing their survival.

Our love of stuff is not really news, of course, with consumerism being a clear trend even since the late 1800s. The celebrity culture and aggressive marketing that have become such an integral part of society ensure that we’re constantly lusting after a new bag, or phone, or car, or a whole range of other stuff that we most likely do not actually need (yes, yes, I work in marketing – aren’t we clever!).

I went through a “honeymoon phase” when I had my first job, and salary, and lacked any real obligations (family, mortgage, Volvo and so on) and I revelled in being able to buy whatever I felt like whenever I felt like it. It was only when emptying my flat of seven years to leave Switzerland that I discovered all the cupboards and a basement locker full of stuff. Stuff that I had forgotten I had, not great quality, nothing special… I did a huge clear-out then and I feel like I’ve been doing clear-outs ever since.

Actually, before that the biggest shock for me came when I visited a Masai hut in Kenya. “This is where the children sleep, this is where my wife and I sleep, this is the kitchen, and here the cow.” All of this was in a single circular hut that was smaller than my bedroom; returning home to shelves full of shoes and handbags was quite a reality check. But, then, of course, everyday life took over and I returned to normal buying habits.

When I quit my job to go freelance, I had another phase during which I cut down on unnecessary expenditures – the clothes I didn’t really need, the new handbag, the shoes… but again I soon returned to “normal” spending levels once I started earning money, which “unfortunately” happened all too soon.

As a reaction against consumerism, we have the trend of minimalism along with the idea of “simple living”. I’ve met people recently who’ve emptied their entire apartments to become full-time travellers with only a couple of bags of “stuff”, presumably the bare essentials, remaining. I don’t know how this is possible – when I’m adventuring, if anything I have to buy new kit! – but more to the point I don’t think I want to go that far. Stuff can remind us of friends and family who are no longer with us, help us to express who we are, and make living our lives that bit more fun / comfortable / luxurious.

That being said, we may be hanging on to stuff for the “wrong” reasons. We keep clothes that we no longer fit into as they remind us of when we were young and skinny. We keep school books and essays to remember how clever we once were. Most of all, we seem to be clinging to an old lifestyle that no longer reflects who we are today: we keep clubbing outfits when we’re now more likely to be staying in, high-flying corporate suits when we’re now working mostly from home, cupboards full of wine glasses and posh china when we no longer really do any big entertaining, our children’s books and toys when they’ve grown up and moved out years ago.

I almost wish I could start again, start from a blank slate, and only gather things that are either really useful or of great value (economic or, more likely, sentimental). I can’t change the past, of course, but I can make better choices going forward. I can ask myself if I really need a new handbag – probably not! – and if I can maybe get by with borrowing a tent rather than buying one and adding to my storage pile in the attic. And I can keep on going with new rounds of clear-outs of my existing stuff, to ensure that it’s all still supporting who I am today and my current lifestyle.

What about you? Are you holding on to “stuff” from a previous life that simply doesn’t reflect your current needs and habits? Is it all too easy to get out your credit card and make that spontaneous purchase that you really don’t need at all? Fighting these tendencies takes a lot of energy, and it can be emotionally draining especially to sort through all those old boxes and cupboards and confront past memories and identities – but the feeling of lightness and peace that you get from clearing out your house and, by extension, your life, can be incredibly freeing and ultimately, I think, worth the effort!

Releasing Judgment: Why it’s time to let go

7 July, 2015 By Anna S E Lundberg Leave a Comment

I’m taking a course right now – more on this soon – and a recent topic really resonated with me. It was about releasing judgment, refraining from criticising other people either explicitly or implicitly, and accepting who they are just as you should accept who you are.

How do you feel when someone judges you for your opinions, your actions? How do you feel when you’re trying to share your plans with someone and they counter with “Why would you want to do that?” When you share your own experience on a topic and you’re interrupted and ‘corrected’? When someone posts a status update on Facebook that directly takes a dig at your lifestyle? Most of us in these situations will feel the visceral emotions of guilt or shame. Such negative emotions are so strong that they bypass our cognitive pathways so that we don’t have time to think about what the situation really means and how we might react more rationally.

If you take a moment to reflect, however, we realise that judgment and criticism is about the person giving it out, not about us as the recipient. There was some truth in that classic reassurance that your mum gave you when you were teased at school: they’re just jealous, they’re just unhappy with their own lives! Judgment is really a form of comparison and usually stems from that person’s own insecurities and unfulfilled desires, in turn a result of their particular upbringing, their set of beliefs and value systems. They are voicing their personal fears, their indignation that someone has the audacity to do whatever it is they would never do.

Why do we really judge other people? Why do we sneer at other people’s beliefs, look down on their misguided choices, feel sorry for them for not knowing any better? I think it’s about wanting to belong, wanting to be reassured that we are making the right choices, wanting to tell ourselves that it’s the others who are wrong. So whether it’s a question of religion or diet, career path or family choices, we cling to our own way of life and point fingers at any outliers.

Of course, there’s a more generous interpretation, which is that we want to help our fellow man: we’ve discovered the true path and we want to help them see the light. How many times haven’t we wanted to convince our friends that this new diet is the way to go, or tell them that they should quit their job, or encourage them to break up from a dysfunctional relationship? Those may or may not be the right paths for them but that’s not the point; the choice is theirs and theirs alone. Even well meaning advice is a form of judgment: we’re judging them on our own personal scale of good and bad, right and wrong, black and white.

So how can we go about releasing judgment? Well the first step has to be self-awareness, recognition that we are looking critically at the other person based on a particular set of assumptions and beliefs; recognising that if we truly want to help a friend or family member then making them feel bad about themselves might not be the best way to go about it… Then we can take a step back and ask ourselves: why do we feel so strongly about this situation, why is it so important that the other person takes our advice and makes whatever change we’re pushing them towards, why do we need to broadcast our views in the knowledge that people will be hurt? Do we really care so much about them, or is this about some concern we have in our own lives? If we can acknowledge and appreciate our own values, our own choices, our own journey, then we can be open to giving other people the right to do so as well.

And on the receiving end of judgment, what can we do? Care less about what other people think – but that’s easier said than done, right? What we can do is take a deep breath and remind ourselves that it’s not about us, it’s about them. And maybe their unease can even reassure us that we’re onto something exciting, something that has the potential to be truly game changing.

It’s a wonderful thing, talking to someone who’s so completely happy with their own life choices that they are without any judgment of ours. We relax, we settle into the conversation and open up about our innermost thoughts, we feel we can trust the other person and enter into a partnership of equals, two people on this earth simply doing the best they can to live their lives, learning and growing as they go. Why not try it some time?