This is a guest post by Michael Riley, who found me recently and is now an active member of my Facebook group (and actually did an interview with me already on his site). I love the topic of this post and I can definitely relate to the self-deprecating tendencies that Michael refers to. My mum has told me often of a time when I was little and I decided to list everyone that I like. “I like mummy, I like daddy, I like my sister, I like (etc) … and I like myself!” How many adults would say the same thing? That confidence and honesty was squeezed out of me growing up in England where it was definitely not okay to say that you liked yourself, or that you were good at something.

Who benefits when you hold back on who you are and what your special gifts are?

I believe that you can reach your fullest potential, and make your biggest contribution to the world, when you find work that matches your values, your interests and your individual strengths – and to do that you need to recognise, and own, your worth!

You are a Big Deal! The Importance of Owning Your Value

“Be Proud Of Who You Are And Not Ashamed Of How Others See You” – Anonymous

“Oh, it was nothing…” Do you find yourself saying this when you’ve done something for someone, or achieved something, or accomplished something, or did something you wanted to do?

How about, “Oh, it was no big deal…all I did was [fill in blank]”?

Up until just recently I had been saying this my whole life. When I graduated from university, for example, I felt like I had accomplished and achieved something massive, but I discounted that feeling when asked how I felt about it: “Oh, yeah, it feels really good… but hey, anyone could do it, so it’s not that big of a deal…” I still do it from time to time, but it’s becoming less and less because I’m working my guts off to recognise and reward myself for everything I do, achieve, or accomplish, no matter how big or small.

F*ck that noise!

The reason I believe we discount ourselves is because we have been conditioned by our parents, teachers, religious beliefs, culture and society to think that we’d be bragging or showing off if we shared how awesome we really felt, or spoke about how good we are, and that would be wrong; we should be humble and modest.

Yes and no.

While I believe it is a good trait to stay grounded, being humble and modest about who we are and what we have to offer is not – we must share who we are and own it, because we matter; we are a big deal.

And you can do this without coming across as a jerk. How? By being sincere and genuine. For example, when I’m asked what do I do? I reply: “Thanks for asking! I’m in a really exciting phase at the moment…” Pause and wait for the other person to ask a question, usually it will be “Oh, yeah, what’s that?” This will get the other person engaged and interested in you. “Well, I’ve recently changed career. Having spent 15 years helping businesses grow and increase revenue as an Account Manager I decided I wanted to coach and mentor young people, so I’ve taken time off work and I’m now studying fulltime. I’ve also just started a blog that helps people become their best version.” The conversation will flow and you’ve made a connection, maybe even a meaningful friendship. It really is that easy! You just need to believe in it… and in yourself.

“Believe it and you will see it.” – Wayne Dyer

I am a big deal. You are a big deal. Everything you did today, no matter how big or small, is a big deal. “Oh, but all I did was take the kids to school, clean the house, grocery shopping, pick the kids up from school, exercise, cook dinner, help the kids with their homework, have quality time with my husband… it’s nothing to write home about. It’s what I do most days.” Wow, that is a lot to write home about! You are giving so much to your family and that is a big deal!

I’ve heard and seen many people in business close huge deals or climb the corporate ladder and still discount themselves in some way. They would celebrate with colleagues, mates or loved ones and look and feel awesome on the outside but they were saying things like “It’s not that big of a deal,” or “Don’t be silly… it was nothing… John’s done better…” When I asked them why they didn’t give themselves ‘a plug’ they said they didn’t want to come across as bragging or a ‘tosser’.

If you are doing this, make a conscious effort to stop doing it today. You are a big deal – so own it! Remember: “Those that mind, don’t matter… those that matter, don’t mind.” Here’s what I do to know on a deep level that I’m a big deal – I encourage you to do it as well because it works:

Exercises

1. Write a list about how awesome you are. Mine’s called “I am awesome because today I…” Remember to be specific and include the little things that you used to think we’re not important or not a big deal. Next to each write, “That is a big deal. I am a big deal.”

Here’s an example of my list:

I am awesome because today I wrote down what I want to achieve/accomplish – that is a big deal. I am a big deal.
I am awesome because today I stuck to my allocated time for each action – that is a big deal. I am a big deal.
I am awesome because today I successfully completed an assignment – that is a big deal. I am a big deal.

I am awesome. I am a big deal. I matter!

2. (a). Practice saying what it is you actually do when next asked, “What do you do?” and say it like the example I gave earlier. It’ll feel uncomfortable at first but the more you do it the easier it’ll get.

2. (b) When you catch your inner critic telling you you’re worthless or useless or unworthy, write it down and reword everything. If you hear him say, for example, “I’ll never have her. She’s out of my league,” change it to “I’m good enough for her. Is she good enough for me? Let’s find out.” Or if he says, “I can’t do that, I’m not good at speaking in front of people,” rewrite it to “You know what, I can do that. I’m a fantastic speaker and I know they’ll love what I have to say.”

The hidden costs of not owning your value are many. The ones that can really cripple your life include:

You become a people pleaser – “I can’t tell them how awesome I am. They will think less of me or think I’m too good for them. I’ll just be humble and modest and hope they like me.”
You become fearful, hesitant and miss out on opportunities to have what you want – “I can’t talk to her in a café. She’s going to think I’m weird and she’ll get annoyed at me for bothering her. Besides everyone will hear me and laugh at me when she rejects me.”
You settle in life – because you don’t believe how much of a big deal you really are, you just take what you can get. You settle in your relationships, friendships, career… in life.

The benefits of owning your value, of course, are the exact opposite:

You attract successful, nurturing, supportive people into your life.
You go after what you want without fear or hesitation and grow from the outcome regardless if you get a yes or no.
You become the selector, not the selected, and live the life you deserve.

“Feel the fear… and do it anyway.” – Susan Jeffers

Use the information here as a starting point. There are many good books about owning your value and worth and I encourage to invest in yourself and read them. One book in particular I read over and over and highly recommend is Feel The Fear… And Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers.

This is a guest post by Kevin McNamara. He has a great website on a theme that’s very close to my own: getting out of your comfort zone. Read on to discover his tips for how to break out of yours!

5 Comfort Zone Challenges to Change Your Life

Comfort zone challenges help us to break our state and move from a place where we feel comfortable to a place where we feel uncomfortable. This is how we grow. As Dr Wayne W Dyer said, “The difference between a flower that is alive and a flower that is dead is that the flower that is dead has stopped growing.”

When we as humans stop growing we start to die inside. To grow is to live fully. When we look around even at some of our own circle of friends and family, we see so many who have stopped growing. People who are living average lives and are content to sit back and let the circumstances of the world control them, instead of them taking control of the reins.

My Own Dark Night of the Soul

In my own life I have had phases where I stopped growing. I had no purpose, no direction and no goals. I was dying inside. I had lost my daughter, Holly, at five months of age to SIDS, was depressed and had gone through two marriages and two divorces – all over a period of five years. One day I looked at my life and realised I had two choices: I could continue as I was, a victim, and blame everyone else except myself; or I could take control of my life, take responsibility and move forward, learning and growing as I went. I chose the second option.

I just decided one day that I hated my life and it was time to change. I had to raise my self-confidence and self-esteem. I started meditating daily, changing my negative self-talk to positive affirmations, and went beyond a belief in myself to a ‘knowing’ that things would be okay.

The Keys to Self-Confidence and Self-Esteem

To become confident with any aspect of our lives we need to practice the thing we want to be good at and we need to practice often; repetition is key. Doing something once and expecting to be good at it is delusional.

Doing something once and expecting to be good at it is delusional.

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This is where comfort zone challenges come in. A comfort zone challenge is something we do to take us out of our average life that places us in a state of being uncomfortable. Doing this often enough leads to us becoming good at it and in turn raises our confidence and self-esteem.

5 Comfort Zone Challenges that can Change Your Life

1. Saying Good Morning to Passers-by

It sounds simple, doesn’t it? But so many people you pass in the street look away, are staring straight at the ground or have a frown so large they might explode! They look really unhappy. I either run or walk most mornings and pass by lots of people. I make it a habit to say good morning to everyone, especially those who look unhappy or try to look away. This does two things: (1) it gets you into the habit of talking to strangers, which is great for your confidence, and (2) you get a response from the other person. They have to make an effort to respond and most people will put on a smile. So you are helping yourself by becoming more confident and you are helping others by putting a smile on their faces. You will actually make that other person feel good about themselves. Win-win!

2. Intro Vlog

Make a video where you talk to the camera introducing yourself and what you do for a living, and publish it on Facebook or some other social media platform. I have a Facebook group called 52 Week Get Out of Your Comfort Zone Challenge where new members have to do just that. Again this is great for your confidence. Putting yourself out there and making yourself both vulnerable and accountable – this is how we grow.

3. Take a Selfie with an Emergency Service or Military Officer

Now this can be a police officer, fireman, paramedic or any one from the armed forces. I often have people say to me that in this day and age that is really dangerous to do; it’s not, in my opinion. (Obviously if they are involved in some kind of emergency situation you aren’t going to ask.) I have many photos with these people and have only ever been knocked back once. 99% of these people are friendly and will only be too happy to have a picture taken with you. We gain confidence in talking to not just another person but someone in authority.

4. A Selfie Video in a Crowd

So many people worry about what others think of them. There is a whole new world of freedom once we let this emotion go. I learned a long time ago that the only thing other people worry about is themselves. They don’t care what you do or say most of the time. Go out and find a crowded market, shopping centre, airport, train station, or anywhere you find that has big crowds; start filming yourself and talk into the camera. You can talk about anything but do this for around a minute, minimum. Once you get over the feeling of “people are watching me” you get a huge adrenalin rush. The first time I did this I was really scared and it took me a good 30 minutes to find the courage. Once I did it I was on cloud nine! It is a real buzz walking along in a crowded area talking into your camera. And when you realise no one cares, a whole new world of freedom opens up. You can see my YouTube example here>>>>>.

5. Ring or Write to Someone and Tell Them That You Love Them

This one is probably the toughest of all the challenges. How many family members or friends have we neglected? People we know and love but never acknowledge with our feelings. This is a simple challenge but a most profound and enlightening one. You can do one of two things. First, ring a person and have a conversation with them. As part of that conversation tell them that you love and appreciate them. Tell them that is why you called: to say I love you. The second way of doing this is to write them a letter. Sometimes we express ourselves better in words on a page than through our voice. Do the same thing here: tell them you love them and appreciate them and that is why you are writing. Again you are putting yourself out there, being vulnerable and allowing your emotions to shine through. It makes you feel good and it makes the recipient feel fantastic! Another win-win.

There are many comfort zone challenges you can do to give yourself confidence, raise your self-esteem and change your life.

The key is to do them consistently and make them a habit in areas of your life where you struggle. The more we do, the more we grow and the more we live with increased confidence and higher self-esteem. Living outside your comfort zone consistently is where the magic and freedom lies.

Kevin McNamara is an inspirational speaker, mentor/motivator/coach and author. His mission is to help people move outside their comfort zones to live a life of magic and freedom. You can learn more on his website at www.getoutofyourcomfortzone.com. You can also pick up his complimentary ebook, 7 Comfort Zone Challenges to Double Your Confidence and Raise Your Self Esteem, by clicking here>>>>>.

Guest Post: You are a Big Deal! The Importance of Owning Your Value