Anna S. E. Lundberg

Coach, Speaker, Writer

How to be Single (from someone who’s done it successfully)

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Heart-shaped hedgeI was doing some keyword research on Amazon the other day and on entering “how to” into the search field I was amused to see one of the most popular entries being “how to be single” (the others included “how to grow a baby” and “how to murder your life”…). Now in fact “how to be single” is the name of a book and a film so maybe people are searching for those specifically – but it doesn’t change the basic theme of the query: the need or desire to understand how to “do” singledom successfully.

This must stem from our deep-rooted expectations of how life is to be lived: we meet someone, we marry, and we have children, so that they can grow up and then go on to do the same. This is a basic prerequisite of the survival of the human race and as such a core expectation in our society. “How to be single”, then, must be about coming to terms with not following this expected path, either temporarily (until you find someone and slot back into the “right” order of things) or permanently (should the worst case scenario happen and you never meet Mr Right and instead die a tragic spinster). In my own experience and in that of many of the people I’ve coached, the question of a possible relationship or family is inevitably tied up in other life goals and it’s hard to speak about career plans without also considering these aspects.

Given my extensive past experience in this field, and compliments I’ve received as to how “well” I pull it off, I thought I’d share my thoughts; so, here you go, my five top tips on How to be Single!

1. Make a plan but stay flexible

Maybe the toughest thing about being single while knowing that you want to meet someone – especially when you’re a bit older (tick, tock!) – is how to manage this in terms of planning your life. If you know you want to build a home and family with a partner, you want to travel and have shared experiences with that partner; do you put that life on hold and hang around waiting for Mr or Miss Right? Or, if you make plans without that person, are you then giving up on your dream and ruling out the future possibility of meeting that someone?

You don’t want to be putting the rest of your dreams to one side while you wait for that partner but you still want to be open to the possibility of doing so. So I say: if you want to travel, do it! If you don’t want to go alone, go with a friend or find a group trip. If you want to move to a different city or country, go ahead!

The truth is that you’re more likely to meet the “right” person if you’re living the life you want to live. If you’re true to yourself, working towards your goals, and feeling happy and fulfilled, then first of all you’re going to be much more attractive to any potential partner and second you’re more likely to be putting yourself in the situations where the right kind of person – in the sense of someone who shares your values, who appreciates you for who you are – might be found.

2. Make time for you

You might expect a single person to be selfish and to some extent that is true, but also true is that the single one is likely to often put their own needs last and simply through being more available and more flexible they will find themselves in situations where other people are prioritised. This might involve being that unfortunate “third wheel” in the back of the car with another couple, or being the one who’s relegated to the single bed in the smallest room when you’re on holiday, or the one who’s always there for other people since, unlike everyone else, you don’t have someone waiting for you at home.

That’s not to say that you shouldn’t spend time with couples, or go on family holidays, or help other people out when you can! But it’s important that you still carve out your own physical and emotional space, and set boundaries for what you want to put up with. Make time for you to do your own thing, whatever that entails – grab a book, go for a walk, go on a little solo shopping trip. And make time to see your single friends, and go on dates – adult “me” time essentially, that doesn’t revolve around other people’s children or lifestyle choices.

3. Question your beliefs

In coaching, we often talk about “limiting beliefs”. These are basic notions that are largely sub-conscious and have been created through our own past experiences but also through those of our environment, for example, our parents, our friends, and society as a whole. Our behaviours are a reflection of our beliefs; and changing our beliefs will change our behaviours and, ultimately, can change our lives. Common limiting beliefs for single women might be:

  • All men are arseholes
  • I never meet nice guys
  • I’m never going to meet someone
  • There must be something wrong with me
  • I have to meet someone to be ‘whole’
  • I don’t need a man
  • etc.

In order to challenge these beliefs, you need to first ask yourself: is there any evidence that this statement is true? Even more importantly: does this belief serve me? Do I want to continue to believe this? And, if you want, you can choose to believe something else: turn the belief into something positive, and look for evidence instead that this new positive belief is true. Then act based on the new belief and, before you know it, this will be part of your fundamental belief system.

So, for example, if your belief is “All men are arseholes” then start by questioning whether that’s really true (presumably you do know some nice men, even if they’re not single or even attractive to you); then think about whether it serves you to continue believing this. To some extent, it might: having this particular belief will make you more aware of the risks and so will help to prevent you from getting hurt; however, if you actually do want to meet someone, then this belief clearly does not serve you as it means you will never meet a nice guy. Now decide that you want to believe something else, and transform it into something positive; e.g. “There are men who are arseholes but there are also men who are great guys”, turning your attention now to look for nice guys rather than arseholes. Makes sense, no

4. Acknowledge that you want to meet someone

Single women have often been portrayed as being needy and desperate and this is, of course, unattractive; but I also see a danger of going too far in the other direction. If you move away from the neediness of clinging onto any man who shows even a little bit of interest and declare that you don’t need a man at all, then it’s likely that this message will also put those dreamy men off, given that you’re basically saying that you don’t want to be with them.

Going back to those limiting beliefs, the one that says “I don’t need a (wo)man” can be an important one to look at. As much as those sexist comments about independent women being intimidating to men can be irritating (and, I suppose, there is an equivalent pressure on men to be strong and not to admit that they feel lonely and want to meet someone), you have to recognise that it’s not exactly an invitation to the poor prospective partner when you declare that you don’t need, or want, them.

There are times in your life when you don’t want to meet someone (maybe you feel you’re too young to settle and you’re having fun with your single friends), and other times when you probably shouldn’t (you’re going through difficulties or perhaps some major life changes and you need to focus on yourself first and foremost). There are other times, though, when you do feel ready and you really do want to meet someone. The trick is to find that delicate balance between living your own life and having fun on your own on the one hand, and being honest about the fact that it would be nice to meet a partner on the other.

5. …and be open to doing so

It can often seem like meeting someone is one of those things that’s almost completely out of your control – unlike other life goals like, say, quitting your job to pursue a passion or moving to a different country. It’s definitely harder to put together a romance action plan in Excel! That doesn’t mean, though, that there’s nothing you can do.

First of all, there’s the mindset and I really wouldn’t underestimate this. Challenging those negative beliefs and being open to the possibility of meeting someone is vital. Second, knowing what you’re looking for. Especially when you’re older, you have a much clearer idea of who you are and what you’re looking for in a partner – compared to when you were 18 and you didn’t care as long as he or she was hot – and as with anything in life, having clarity on your goal is crucial to ever having a chance of achieving it. And, finally, exploring what you might do to make it more likely that you’ll meet such a person – where to spend your time (online and offline), what kind of activities to do outside of work and which trips to go on, and so on. It’s not an exact science but there are things you can do – and it’s not limited to joining Tinder and going on lots of dates!

Observing some of my single friends, men and women, a lot of them are filling their calendars with work and travels to the point that any potential partner would really struggle to fit into that life. A friend was trying to meet up with a guy and he said his next free weekend was in May! So while it’s great that you’re keeping busy and having fun, it might be worth allowing for a bit of flexibility in that schedule to give another person the chance to spend some time with you.

So there you go! Some thoughts on how to be “successfully” and happily single – while staying open to the possibility of being happy with *someone* as well. I clearly have a lot more to say about it… but what about you? Any tips or reassurances you want to share? Comment below!

This is to some extent a counter-post to the 2015 Valentine’s Day edition: The 7 Deadly Sins of a 30-something Singleton.

Single at 32: The 7 Deadly Sins of a 30-something Singleton

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Happy Valentine’s Day! A day that people embrace wholeheartedly with romantic dinners, flowers, and jewellery; that people boycott completely in protest at the commercialism of it all; or, as in my case, a day that has never really been a big deal…

Single on Valentine's Day
Happy Valentine’s Day!

For that one day each year, though, I allow myself to consider – for the briefest of moments – that wonderful question: “Why are you *still* single?” If you don’t think of it yourself, then, as in Bridget Jones, there are bound to be lovely people around you offering up possible explanations. Too picky? Too focused on your career? Entire body covered in scales?

But let’s dig a little deeper. Why might you *still* be single at the fine old age of 30-something? What are these terrible sins that you might be guilty of? Here’s my take on the seven deadly sins of a 30-something singleton…

1. SELF-RELIANCE

It’s a classic line that men are intimidated by strong women. “Be softer,” goes the advice, “let him take care of you”. Okay, so being single means that I’m used to carrying my own bags, driving the car, fixing a blocked drain. And yes, I’m smart and successful in my career. Isn’t that supposed to be attractive? Should I plait my hair, dangle it out the window and hope that a prince comes riding along to rescue me? That hardly seems practical.

That’s not to say that I don’t want a man; I’d love to be in love. I’d love to be with someone who’s strong and confident in himself, who could stand up to me and challenge me, and, sure, look after me when I needed it. But in the meantime, while I haven’t ‘found’ that someone, I’m happy to reassure you that, like Gloria Gaynor, I’ve got all my life to live and I’ll survive, I will survive! (Hey hey…)

2. SHYNESS

I was incredibly shy around boys in my teens and early twenties. That’s something I blame at least partly on having gone to an all girls’ school during my most hormonal years. Boys were for giggling at over the fence, not for being good friends or boyfriends. I was never quite myself, instead maintaining an air of disinterestedness, with great taste in music and perfectly shaved legs.

It’s hard to show your vulnerable side to people, to open yourself up and potentially get hurt. A few drinks can do wonders for your confidence, but I’m not sure alcoholism is the solution.

Over time, I’ve realised that life is too short not to be yourself. And, of course, the only way to find someone who appreciates the real you is to show who that is. So these days, I say and do what I like. I still get giggly over cute boys, though…

3. FEAR – AND PRIDE

Ah, the risk of appearing foolish, that greatest of all fears. What if I’m flirtatious and show him I’m interested, only to be snubbed or to find out he has a girlfriend? Better to ignore him altogether! For a long time, this was my approach: avoid eye contact with anyone I was interested in. What a genius, fool-proof plan for avoiding relationships with attractive men! Well done, Einstein.

Then there have been situations where there’s been a gaggle of beautiful women after a guy. I’m sorry but I’m not going to wrestle my way to the front, kicking and scratching the other competitors for that elusive prize of an eligible bachelor; I’m a lady, don’t you know. And, naturally, I’d like to think that he would choose me above all the others, without my having to take them out first.

4. HABIT AND A PACKED AGENDA

If I’m completely honest, I’m so used to being single that the possibility of meeting someone barely crosses my mind. I’m busy living my life, my week full of going to the gym or working on my blog, meeting friends or doing some course. I plan solo trips and I’m happy in my own company.

Trying to find the time for dating is tough, especially when you know that you’re not going to meet The One right away and you’ll have all sorts of awkward encounters and rejections in the meantime. Of course, this all changes if you meet someone who you really want to make time for.

But even when I do meet someone I like, I don’t expect it to turn into anything meaningful. So any prospective suitor will need to physically shake me out of my routine and shout his feelings from the rooftops. (Though if he’s too interested, there must be something wrong with him, right? *SIGH*)

5. OLD AGE AND AN ENDANGERED SPECIES 

I don’t mean that I’m old and wrinkly, I happen to think that I look better now than ever before 😉 But there is one thing that happens between your early twenties and your thirties: the pool of available men, as well as the number of opportunities to meet them, greatly dwindles. Ten years ago, I was out in bars and clubs, at house parties and at work events, where most of my friends met their husbands. There I was rejecting potential suitors willy nilly, thinking there’d be a steady stream of them forever. I was wrong. Now suddenly I look around and the men who used to be here are nowhere to be seen (and there must be something wrong with those who are still available, right? Like me…).

Was this some rare plague or zombie attack that took out our young and virile men? Nope, apparently they’ve settled down and started families while I was busy elsewhere. And so the likelihood of meeting someone I’m attracted to and have a connection with gets smaller and smaller. Unless, of course, I want to go for the ‘second wave’ of handsome divorcees with baggage from failed marriages. *Taps foot and waits patiently for any one of Ryan Gosling, Hugh Jackman or George Clooney to realise their mistake and come looking for me…*

6. GREAT EXPECTATIONS

Having grown up on a diet of Disney films and musicals, yes, I imagine love at first sight, romance, and happy ever after. I fall for the leads in unlikely movie rom coms; I believe there are good-looking men who are also nice. And the expectations only get bigger with age… My imaginary singles ad now reads that I’m looking for a life partner, for someone who’s kind and affectionate, someone with integrity and who I can respect, someone who makes me laugh and doesn’t take himself too seriously, bla bla bla. Compare that to when you’re 18 when you only wanted a hotty, and you begin to see the problem.

On top, witnessing the everyday ‘reality’ of romance, seeing couples argue over the TV remote or doing the dishes, hearing them make snide comments, and, more and more often these days, seeing them go through divorce, puts me off.

So, yes, I’m picky. I want real love, great love, or nothing at all. (So there!)

7. HAVING FUN

Because I’m happy… So here it is: I love my life. I love my family, I love my friends; I love my work, I love my travels. I’m very rarely angry, and I don’t really argue with people. For someone to come along and become a part of that life, he would have to be pretty damn special. And based on everything I’ve seen, I know that I’m happier ‘alone’ than with the wrong man, who’d bring more negative than positive into my life.

There are moments when I get a glimpse of what it might be like to be with that Someone. Eyes meeting across the room, a moment shared, a possible future together imagined. But I’m not sitting around like some Jane Austen heroine waiting for that future to materialise. And I’m also not getting into online dating (mainly because I’m too shy) or delving into my past to find someone who might not have been so bad after all (anyway they’re all married now). I’m going to continue to have fun and enjoy a life without loud snoring, smelly socks, or a constant drone of footie on the telly – while keeping my eyes open for Mr McDreamy.

So that’s it for another year of romantic self-examination. And there you have them, the seven deadly sins of the 30-something singleton. Guilty as charged? Have I nailed my failures? Have I got it all wrong?

In the end, of course, the simple answer is: I just haven’t met Him yet.

(Wo)man’s search for meaning

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It’s Valentine’s Day! This February, romance has become even more of an irrelevancy to me than it was in 2013 so I’ll refer you to last year’s Valentine’s post with the remarks that the only things that have changed are that I’m a year older, I now have a gorgeous niece as well as a gorgeous nephew, and I do have a bit more time for dates should the opportunity arise.

Love, though, is an important part of every life, romance or no. In the words of Oscar Wilde, “A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.” Love for your family, love for your fellow (wo)man, love of a pet, of nature, of life itself; and, yes, love for a partner.

The natural corollary of this kind of love is having children. This is, or at least has been, a necessary means of survival for humankind. In that sense, it is the fundamental meaning of life. I could never quite get my head around this, though: is the meaning of life really to be born, have children, and die, only so that those children can be born, have children, and die? It seems like cyclical reasoning that lacks meaning in and of itself. And, anyway, if having children were the ultimate meaning of life, what of those who can’t have children? Are they condemned to live an empty life devoid of any meaning?

Of course, having children is not just about perpetuating the human race. There are what one journalist in The Guardian calls “the traditional caveman reasons – carrying on your name, thinking about who will look after you in the future”. There is the incredibly romantic act of producing something that is half you, half the person that you love. There’s the fact that they’re just so darn cute. And there’s the fundamental desire to create something that will live on after you’re gone, a little drop of  immortality in your children’s genes, in their memories.

That desire to create something, to leave a lasting legacy, can take many forms. Such creativity is particularly found in the arts: paintings will remain on display long after the artist is dead and buried, symphonies will be listened to, plays enjoyed, books read. In a way, though, we’re creating a legacy with every action, every interaction. Not to mention our whole social media persona (although the sheer volume of information that is out there makes it all the more difficult to stand up and be counted).

There is an interesting Ted Talk on “The 4 stories we tell ourselves about death”, stories of avoiding death by achieving immortality in some form. Leaving a legacy, an echo in the world – whether by the pursuit of fame, or having children, or as part of a nation or a tribe – is one of these four stories.

So why are we so concerned about tomorrow? Is meaning to be found only in the future? What about that most fashionable of maxims that we must live for today, live in the moment?

There is that quote, now and then doing the rounds on Facebook, that may or may not be correctly attributed to John Lennon:

“When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.”

In a recent article in which The Shrink and The Sage tried to answer, Is it better to focus on today or tomorrow?, a study was quoted with the conclusion that “Happiness is about the present; meaning is about the future, or, more precisely, about linking past, present and future.” While worrying about the future is unproductive, as is dwelling on the past, a degree of reflection on the past and planning for the future is essential for making the most of the time that we have.

The importance of meaning, and not ‘just’ happiness, is the central tenet of Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning. Based on his own experiences of Nazi concentration camps, he concludes that the strength to survive comes from having hope, having something to live for, quoting Neitzsche: “He who has a Why to live for can bear almost any How”. According to Frankl, such a “How”, such a meaning, can be found in different ways: (1) by creating a work, i.e. by achievement and accomplishment; (2) by experiencing something – goodness, truth, beauty, nature, culture – or someone, that is, by loving another human being; and (3) by the attitude we take when faced with unavoidable suffering, in transforming a personal tragedy into a triumph. So meaning can be found in deeds, in love, even in suffering.

In that Ted talk that touched on our fear of death, philosopher Stephen Cave offers a final metaphor of life as a book, bound by its covers, by a beginning and by an end. That book can be full of adventures, of different landscapes, of exciting characters; in the end, all that matters is that the pages in between make up a good story.

“Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather he must recognize that it is he who is asked.”
-Viktor Frankl

The Obligatory Post on Valentine’s Day

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It’s that time again: 14th February, Valentine’s Day, or All Hearts’ Day as we say in Swedish. I’m not going to rant about commercialisation, why should we celebrate it, it’s so stupid, bla bla bla… It’s a nice idea, and it’s just one day, after all. I received a lovely card from my amazing mum. It’s just not a romantic day for me. In fact, I’ve never been with someone on Valentine’s Day. “I’m in my 30s, and I’ve never been in a long-term relationship? Oh, my God! What’s wrong with me?” Am I a freak? Do I need to make up an ex-boyfriend named Vikram? [That’s a reference from FRIENDS. But if you didn’t know that, you have no business here. Please go away.]

“How can that be?!” I hear you cry. My entire body is not covered in scales [that one’s from Bridget Jones]. I certainly didn’t plan for this, but then how can you ever plan when you’re going to meet or not meet the man of your dreams? If I had to try to explain it to you, or to myself, I suppose part of it is that I’m shy. I didn’t have a childhood sweetheart so missed out on the opportunity for a practice run, and then I went to an all-girls school in my formative years (we would giggle and point when we saw boys on the train). I also don’t fall for someone very easily, it’s not often I get that butterfly feeling that’s so important in the early days of a relationship. And as several of my friends have recently pointed out, I’m completely oblivious to when someone is interested in me. Another reason these days is that I’m always busy: I tend to fill every minute of my life with some activity, whether it’s theatre, writing courses, language classes, travelling, etc. There are not a lot of opportunities to meet someone, and if I did, I wouldn’t have many free slots in my calendar to go on a date!

Alas, no one told me in my youth that men would not always be lining up to woo me. (Did I say woo? Who says woo?) Having now reached the dreaded age of 30, it’s not exactly easier to meet someone who you’re attracted to and who’s single. Even the bad boys of yesteryear are now settling down with extravagant weddings and chubby little mini-mes. I’m currently rehearsing for the musical Chicago with my theatre group, in which I play a woman jailed for poisoning her boyfriend with arsenic. She’s romantic and idealistic, so the directors tell me, and thought she was going to live happily ever after with this lovely man from Utah. Then she finds out: “Single he told me? Single my ass! Not only was he married, oh no, he had SIX wives. One of those Mormons you know…” Can you blame her for slipping a little something in his drink?

We had a presentation about Russian consumers yesterday in which we were told that the manly men of this great nation are the breadwinners, while the women compete for the chance to marry one of these Casanovas in a country where women far outnumber men. Being unmarried when you’re 30 is surely a sign that you’re damaged goods. In my world, at least, I don’t need to get married just to be looked after. I can support myself financially, and I like to think I’m not completely vilified because I’m ‘still single’. As in Russia, though, most people in Geneva are in agreement that the number of attractive single women far outweighs the number of handsome single men. What’s definitely true is that Geneva is a very transient place – people are here on temporary assignments and, I think, rather looking to have fun while they’re here than settling down in a long-term relationship.

And I’m having a lot of fun! I’m certainly not sitting at home staring wistfully out of my window singing “Goodnight my someone”. And maybe that’s part of the ‘problem’. I’m living an amazing life. I’m in that ideal phase when I have money and freedom to do what I like, without children and mortgages to tie me down. I have wonderful friends and family, a gorgeous nephew, a stimulating job, plenty of interests to keep me busy in my spare time. I’m not giving that up for a smelly boy who leaves his dirty socks on the floor, doesn’t do the dishes, watches football all the time and brings a bossy mother-in-law with opinions on how we should live our lives… (Stereotyping? Me?)

I still believe I’m going to meet someone who will love me, respect me, challenge me, make me laugh, and grow old with me. But I suppose I’ve also realised that if I don’t, I’m going to be okay. More than okay. I’m going to be fabulous.